Friday, July 18, 2014

What Jesus Really Said about Homosexuality

Greetings, mortals!  In my last post, I explained why the account of Creation in Genesis is not, as many infidels claim, self-contradictory.  Now I want to take on another frequent claim of nonbelievers, the weak in faith, and the heretics: that Jesus never condemned homosexuality.

Before I begin, let me make one thing clear: I believe lesbians, gays, bisexuals, the transgendered, and those questioning their sexuality are equally as human as heterosexuals.  God made them as they are.  Their sexuality is not a choice.  They should be afforded the same civil rights, privileges, and dignities as heterosexuals.  They should not be subjected to mistreatment of any kind -- and especially not violence -- because of their sexual orientation. 

It is, rather, incumbent on LGBTQ individuals to constantly suppress and never act on their desires.  Because while loving God instilled in each LGBTQ person a sexual orientation (and the fundamental personal needs that come with it), loving God also deems that orientation to be an abomination.

Did Jesus really say nothing against homosexuality in the Bible?

If you read only the text of the Bible, yes, Jesus says nothing explicitly against homosexuals or homosexuality. Given that homosexuality has always existed in God's Creation, Jesus's teaching that we should love our neighbors as ourselves, and that that commandment of empathy and mutual respect is greater than all the others, even strongly implies that we should regard LGBTQ individuals as no less normal, human, and worthy of the right to freely express their love and commitment to one another than heterosexuals.

But remember, all of the Bible is literally true.  And Jesus Christ, Son of God, is omniscient and consubstantial with our Almighty Father.  So when God inspired the authors of Leviticus to write that "[y]ou shall not lie with a male as with a woman.  It is an abomination.", we know Jesus was saying that, too.  So what we need to do is read Jesus' teachings in the New Testament with His & God's shared commands in the Old Testament in pari materia -- in other words, we assume that the Old Testament laws and the New Testament laws, all of which are the inerrant and absolute Word of God, are consistent with one another.

Bearing that in mind, does Jesus condemn homosexuality as an abomination in the New Testament?  Yes, he does, in his greatest teaching of hope in a merciful and loving God: the Beatitudes.

Dude, are you sure you want to go there?  Even Monty Python's Flying Circus found these above mockery in The Life of Brian and instead used the "blessed are the cheesemakers" joke about Jesus being hard to hear from so far away.

Yes!  We evangelicals must be brave in our faith if we are to persevere in the face of constantly having our beliefs undermined by facts and reason.  So even though doing this may bring me condemnation, I will demonstrate that the Beatitudes, Christ's message of hope to all humanity, are, in fact, anti-LGBTQ screed.

How the Beatitudes Plainly Condemn Homosexuality

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven."

Many take this as Jesus offering comfort to those who are unhappy in their mortal life by reassuring them that they will find comfort in God.  Not so!  Remember, Jesus has perfect knowledge of everything, past, present, and future.  He knew that "gay" would go from meaning "happy" to, you know, the other thing.  

Since Jesus knew "rich in spirit"="happy"="gay"="homosexual," we therefore see that here, Christ clearly meant "poor in spirit"="not happy"="not gay"="heterosexual."  So this passage should actually be read, "Blessed are the straight, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted."

Is this a reassurance that those suffering the pain of lost loved ones will find solace in God?  While that seems to be its plain -- and only -- meaning, no.  Remember, bereavement in Judaism has clear stages.  During many of those stages, people in mourning are prohibited from attending festive occasions, listening to music, or dancing.  

And despite the fact that for as long as there have been Jews, there have been observant gay Jews who keep to all of their faith's teachings and traditions, including those concerning bereavement, we all know that gay people love festivities, good music, and dancing so much that they couldn't observe the proper stages of mourning.  As such, gays wouldn't fall into Christ's category of "they that mourn."

So here, obviously, Christ is saying, "Blessed are the straight, for they shall be comforted."

"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth."

Many suggest that what Jesus meant here is that those who are gentle and kind will be rewarded for their good treatment of others.  That is also incorrect.

As we all know, despite all evidence to the contrary, homosexuals work aggressively to convert others to their deviant "lifestyle/inborn and unmodifiable essential identity."  Anti-gay heterosexuals, by contrast, merely defend themselves against such aggression with violence, oppression, ostracization, population-level discrimination, invidious discrimination, psychological abuse, and disgust (whether patent or veiled).  So, as is plain on the face of this Beatitude, Jesus here means that LGBTQ persons are not meek, and heterosexuals are.  

Furthermore, as we all know, since gay people don't have children, they don't have direct heirs to whom they can pass on their lands.  They consequently and leave such property to the descendants of their heterosexual relatives.

In short, this Beatitude means, "Blessed are the straight, for they shall be rewarded by God and, incidentally, inherit their gay relatives' property."

"Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled."

This one's straightforward: Christ's saying that those who long for equal justice for all humanity will find it in Heaven.  It's His message that fairness and justice are the due of all humanity.

Remember, though, that it's the job of LGBTQ individuals to behave like they're straight so they can be treated equally in the eyes of laws written to discriminate against non-heterosexuals.  To do otherwise would be to allow sin against God's Design, per the passage from Leviticus cited above.  And Christians must do what they can to aid those non-heterosexual persons who seek to abide by God's will.

We see, therefore, that this passage actually reads, "Blessed are they that make available gay conversion therapy, for they shall be filled in a way other than having the homosexual agenda crammed down their throats."

"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy."

Christ knew that being merciful is a tough thing.  Showing kindness to those who have wronged you in a moment when you have power over them is extraordinarily difficult.  It is rarely as immediately satisfying as exacting revenge, or, for that matter, imposing appropriate punishment.  In addition, the rewards for being merciful are always delayed -- assuming they ever come to you at all.  So here, Christ is saying that those who are kind the weak despite their greater power will themselves be shown mercy for their own transgressions.

What does this have to do with LGBTQ persons?  Well, this Beatitude, in contrast to the others, addresses them directly.  

As I mentioned above, the homosexual agenda is pursued aggressively.  Gays work out, like, a lot, and are therefore much stronger than the average heterosexual.  And, as we all know, the temptation to engage in homosexual behavior is nearly overwhelming for everybody.  Not because I'm gay!  I'm totally not.  But, know, you imagine stuff, right?  Everyone does, right?  And if it's an option -- an acceptable option -- how can you not take the chance to tell the Archangel Uriel how you really feel about him?  

He's so dreamy.

Uh, anyway, I digress.  In short, homosexuals are ideologically aggressive, physically superior, and wielding a nearly overpowering temptation into sinful behavior.  So what Christ is saying here is, in short, "Blessed are the gay people who show mercy by concealing their essential selves and don't exhibit their sexuality in public, for they shall be left alone by heterosexuals in the afterlife."

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

This one should be obvious without any explication.  As mentioned above, Jesus (who is one in being with God) said in Leviticus that gay relations are sinful.  Ergo, people who engage in non-heterosexual relations are not pure in heart, and shall not see God.

Just a reminder: sexual orientation is given to you by God as an aspect of His perfect Creation.  It's not a sin to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or questioning.  It's simply that following through on that God-given orientation earns you a ticket straight to Hell.

Anyway!  This Beatitude is, in other words, "Blessed are they who, despite their longing for an authentic, loving connection with another human being to whom they are attracted by dint of the bio- and neurochemical processes that make up the core of their being, ignore those urges and falsely behave like heterosexuals, for they shall see God."

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the Children of God."

This is another straightforward one.  It also builds on the principles stated in the last two Beatitudes, thus showing the rigor and consistency of Christ's messages of Mercy.  This simply means, "Blessed are those faithful who work to quell the aggression of homosexuals by helping voluntary participants in 'pray away the gay' therapy and thus delay the otherwise inevitable hegemony of the LGBTQ agenda over all humanity, for they will be honored above all others by God."

"Blessed are they that are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven."

Alright!  Last one, and a bit of the break from the previous teachings, because it's not a code.  It means exactly what it says: Those who are targeted and harmed for being righteous individuals will be rewarded for their perseverance with eternity in Heaven.  That's all.  That's it.  

As always, mortals, thank you for read--

Wait!  This includes straight people who are offended by gayness, try to get them to stop being gay, and are criticized for discriminating, right?

Nope.  Witnessing something you personally find icky isn't persecution.  Neither is being called out for saying things or behaving in ways your contemporaries consider discriminatory.

What about when I'm called a bigot or homophobe for voicing my opinions about gays?

Also not persecution.  It's not the nicest thing to say, but let's be honest, you probably earned it.

But if my children see people being gay, they'll--

Be straight or gay based on their God-given nature.  Relax.

But you said gay people who conceal their essential selves will be rewarded!  Shouldn't I tell them to--

No.  The reward they get in Heaven from Almighty God is to be left alone by people like you.  What does that tell you about what God wants for them now?

Um, for me to leave them alo--


Well, that was fun!  Thank you so much for reading, and as always, I look forward to your thoughts and comments!

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